Daily Stupid Joke – October 2, 2009

Sheriff: Happy Friday – really, TGIF not S.H.I.T.  – Getting closer to halloween – dont forget to stop by stupid discounts to find the best discounts on everything you need, including costumes and more for your trick-or-treat or halloween party.

Today Stupid Patrol hopes to give you with a few short “And then the fight started” jokes – or stories as they are. Some I am not too clear on as far as why it would start a fight (A toothbrush would work!) but my wife didn’t seem to think it was funny. Jeez I might be smart – but sometimes I just can’t figure women out. Aaaaanyway….here’s hoping you get a good laugh out of it, and remember, don’t forget to remend your friends, enemies, families – everybody visit the Stupid Patrol daily.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’

I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

**************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her new bath scales.

And then the fight started…

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive….

so, I took her to a gas station…

And then the fight started….

**************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady, swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

**************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’

So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’

And then the fight started…

**************

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.’

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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Sheriff: Hellllllo and Happy October! Today we discover the great joke “Sisters of Mercy” here’s hoping you get a good laugh out of it, yep stupid joke as always! Don’t forget to remend your friends, enemies, families – everybody visit the Stupid Patrol daily!

Sisters of Mercy

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION – 10 MILES.

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION – 5 MILES

He realizes that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?”

He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.”

“Very well, my son. Please follow me.”

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.” He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, “Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.”

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun’s cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

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Tufts University spokeswoman Kim Thurler said officials added the rule to the 2009-10 guest policy after receiving about a dozen complaints from students “who expressed concerns that they were experiencing uncomfortable situations with their roommates’ sex-tracurricular activities,” The Boston Herald reported Tuesday. “We really didn’t have anything concrete in place for (them) to set clear boundaries,” she said.

The policy informs students in dormitories that they “may not engage in sexual activity while your roommate is
present in the room.” Thurler said the policy does not state any penalties for a violation, but she said officials hope the rule will “empower” students to “bring that issue up” if they have a problem with their roommate’s sexual activities.

Sheriff: What the heck is this world coming to! JEEEEZ roomie – leave the room, put a pillow over your head, or maybe get inspired! On second thought – hmmm the sheriff has only daughters! This WILL be their college!

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The Blonde Swimmer

There was a Blonde, a Brunette, and a Redhead standing on the beach.  They had decided the previous evening whilst in the pub to try and swim the English Channel.

After some discussion, they decided the quickest way would be to do the breast stroke, so they set off swimming.

One day later the Redhead reached the French coast. Having lost sight of the other two swimmers just off the English coast she decided that they couldn’t be far behind so sat on the beach looking out to sea waiting for the other two.

After a cold night of waiting, the Brunette finally came into sight. “What took you so long?” asked  the Redhead.

“There were some strong currents out there! But I’m here now! Am I the last?” replied the Brunette.

“No. Blondie is still out there somewhere.” They decided to wait.

Day after day the two swimmers sat on the beach until on the 5th day Blondie came into view. Once on dry land the Brunette asked the blonde “What took you so long?”

“What do you expect? You guy’s cheated, replied the blonde, “You used your hands!”

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If youre going to wear them, then practice walking in them first! Funnnny Video!

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Barry returned from a doctor’s visit one day and told his wife Carol that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, “Darling, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?” Carol agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eights hours of life left. He touched Carol’s shoulder and said, “Darling please? Just one more time before I die?” She agreed, and then afterwards she rolled over and fell asleep.

Barry, however, lay there awake and listened to the clock ticking in his head, tossing and turning until he was down to only four more hours.

He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up. “Darling, I only have four hours left! Could we…?”

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, “Listen, I’m not being funny Barry, but I have to get up in the morning and you don’t!”

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Add this one to the presidential collection: the heart-shaped potato. 

By the time Barack Obama came on stage to the taping of the “Late Show” on Monday, host David Letterman had offered up 10 reasons why in the world the president had agreed to do it. 

Among Letterman’s theories: Obama said yes without thinking about it, or as Letterman put it, “Like Bush did with Iraq.” 

But Obama had other ideas. It turns out he was listening when Letterman had bantered with a woman in the audience who brought — yes — a potato in the shape of a heart to the show. 

Obama told Letterman: “The main reason I’m here? I want to see that heart-shaped potato.” 

The woman tossed the potato to Letterman.

 She agreed to let Obama keep it. Said the president: “This is remarkable.” 

Actually, the Top 10 list was edited out of the broadcast, but it was available on the CBS Web site. A spokesman said the length of the Obama interview caused the edit.

 Obama also had his most irreverent answer yet on the question of whether some of the vitriolic reaction to his health care plan is driven at least partly by racism.

 ”First of all, I think it’s important to realize that I was actually black before the election,” Obama said to huge laughs from Letterman and the audience.

 Responded Letterman: “How long have you been a black man?”

Letterman covered a number of topics with Obama — many of them serious — in a taping that ran about 40 minutes. The show will be broadcast on CBS on Monday evening.

On the economy, Obama offered a sober prediction as the country deals with 9.7 percent unemployment, the worst level since 1983. He said he expects unemployment will be a “big problem” for at least another year. But he also said the economy will rebound even stronger.

As for the war in Afghanistan, Obama said he knows some people want him to bring troops home, and others are calling for him to increase U.S. force levels to combat the insurgency. The top U.S. commander there is warning the war could be lost without more troops.

Obama said he won’t make a decision on sending in more troops, though, until he completes a comprehensive review of the war effort and settles on his next strategy.

“I’m going to be asking some very hard questions,” Obama said.

Obama’s visit made him the first sitting president to appear on Letterman’s program. He had been on Letterman’s show five times before, though, most recently in September 2008.

The White House said it was a good way for him to reach yet another audience as Obama wraps up a blitz of TV appearances, trying mainly to build support for his health care plan.

As president, Obama also went on NBC’s “Tonight” show when it was hosted by Jay Leno.

After the taping, the president returned to his midtown Manhattan hotel and quietly emerged a while later in gym clothes and a baseball cap. His destination: the church across the street for some basketball with his aides.

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An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom.

As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, “Honey, this guy hasn’t seen a woman in years.

Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex  with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it.”

“Dear,” the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, “I’m so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you are really cute!”

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The old lady named Wong, lives in Qing Sheng Province. In February this year, she hurt her back while she was trying to carry a bucket of water.

China: Woman Pregnant for 58 YEARS!

The family took her to the hospital 2 months later for an X-ray. That’s when the doctors found out that there was a dead fetus in her uterus, though it was severely distorted.

The woman recalls in May 1949, she was pregnant with her second child, but the baby was never born even far after the due date. She went to check and her doctor told her that she had a still birth. She didn’t have money to pay for the operation so she decided to leave it.

For 58 years, she didn’t feel that it was bothering her at all besides carrying a big belly all the time, and now it’s already became a part of her body. The doctors said the fetus might already be calcified, but it’s still a miracle.

In 2005, there was an 81 year-old lady in Thailand carried a still birth baby for 58 years.

Huang Yijun, aged 92, is from southern China and she recently made news after delivering a baby known as a lithopedion, aka ‘Stone Baby’.

Medically speaking, what often happens is the implanted fetus gets to an advanced stage before it dies. Too large to be absorbed by the body, the remains of the child or its surrounding amniotic sac slowly

Stone baby - 58 YEARS!

calcify, turning to stone as a way to protect the woman’s body from infection from the decomposing tissue.

If no complications occur, believe it or not, the mother can basically just go on with her life.

According to the Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine, only 290 cases of lithopedions have ever been documented by medical literature.

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