Daily Stupid Joke – October 6, 2009

Sheriff: Tuesday – another good day for a stupid Tampon Joke enjoy the laugh, here is

Tampons! That’ll be fun!

A couple of older bums are relaxing on a park bench, bored out of their minds. They’re not the brightest of crayons, but are known to be pretty resourceful – especially when bored.

So one of them says to the other, “What are we gonna do today?”

The other replies, “Well, how much money have you got?”

They both rummage through their pockets, emptying several days worth of lint and toothpics, managing to put together about four dollars and some change.

The first one says, “We can’t do much with 4 bucks. Maybe we should just go home?”

The other, excited, replies, “Nah! Let’s go buy a box of tampons!”

“Tampons? What are we gonna do with tampons?”

“Haven’t you seen those TV commercials? With tampons we can run, and hike and swim, even go dancing. We need some tampons!”

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Daily Stupid Joke – October 5, 2009

Sheriff: So here comes Monday, yeah I know, I know…don’t wanna go to work, school, where ever. Too Bad. But hey, go with a laugh, here is –

High Tech Ladies Room

A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied.

The flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he use the attendant’s ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons. There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked WW, WA, PP and ATR.

Making the mistake so many men make of not listening to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him. He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom.

He thought “Wow” these gals really have it nice!!

So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and dried it comfortably. “Aha” he thought, “no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom with these kinds of services!”

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom lightly with talc. “Man, this is great,” he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine was just wearing off…confused he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened. He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, “Yes, you must have been having a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button.”

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In this special series on the Stupid Patrol we are bringing you the truly stupid laws that exist in the USA, and around the world.

We hope you knowing these stupid and relatively unknown laws will give you a laugh, keep you informed on the idiocy that can be law, and help keep you out of jail – for being Stupid.

As they say “ignorance of the law is no excuse” and as we say stupidity must be a real good excuse!

Today we discover – Louisiana

• “Fake” wrestling matches are prohibited.

Full text of the Law

RS 4:75

75. Sham or fake contests or exhibitions

Whoever conducts or is a party to any sham or fake boxing contest or wrestling exhibition shall forfeit his license and shall not thereafter be entitled to receive any license pursuant to the provisions of this chapter.

Acts 1974, No. 553, 1.

• Spectators at a boxing match may not mock one of the contestants.

Full text of the Law

RS 4:81

81. Open betting or quoting of odds; insulting or abusive remarks

There shall be no open betting or quoting of odds in the club or arena where the exhibition or contest is being held. Whoever does so shall be ejected.

There shall be no insulting or abusive remarks made by seconds, managers, or spectators and directed at the contestants. The officers of the club, and the secretary of the commission, shall at once eject persons who violate this or any other provision of this chapter.

Acts 1974, No. 553, 1.

• One could possibly land in jail for 20 years upon urinating in the city’s water supply.

Full text of the Law RS 14:58

58. Contaminating water supplies

Contaminating water supplies is the intentional performance of any act tending to contaminate any private or public water supply.

Whoever commits the crime of contaminating water supplies, when the act foreseeably endangers the life or health of human beings, shall be fined not more than one thousand dollars, or imprisoned, with or without hard labor, for not more than twenty years, or both.

Whoever commits the crime of contaminating water supplies, when the act does not foreseeably endanger the life or health of human beings, shall be fined not more than five hundred dollars, or imprisoned, with or without hard labor, for not more than five years, or both.

A law was passed with the specific intent of stating the punishment for stealing crawfish.

Persons could land in jail for up to ten years for stealing an alligator.

• It is a $500 fine to instruct a pizza delivery man to deliver a pizza to your friend without them knowing.

Full Text of the Law

RS 14:68.6

68.6. Unauthorized ordering of goods or services

A. It is unlawful for any person to intentionally place an order for any goods or services to be supplied or delivered to another person when all of the following circumstances apply:

(1) The person receiving the goods or services has not previously authorized such an order, does not reside with the person who placed the order, and the goods or services are not being given as a gift to that person.

(2) The person receiving the goods or services is required to pay for such goods or services, either in advance or upon delivery and has not previously agreed to do so, or is required to return the items to the sender at his expense.

(3) The person placing the order for goods or services intends to harass or annoy the person receiving such goods or services.

B. Receipt and use of an item described in this Section by the receiver shall constitute an affirmative defense to prosecution under this Section.

C. If the person who places the order for the goods or services is told by the customer who receives the goods or services that the customer did not desire the goods or services, the customer is released from any obligation to pay for such goods or services and the providing person shall not be liable under this Section.

D. Whoever violates Subsection A shall be fined not more than five hundred dollars, or imprisoned for not more than six months, or both.

E. In addition to any other sentence imposed under this Section, the sentencing court, in its discretion, may require the offender to make restitution to the victim for any loss to the victim caused by the offense.

Acts 1999, No. 1060, 1.

• Running an abortion advertisement can land you in jail for a year.
• It is illegal to rob a bank and then shoot at the bank teller with a water pistol.
• Biting someone with your natural teeth is “simple assault,” while biting someone with your false teeth is “aggravated assault.
• It is illegal to gargle in public places.
• It is illegal to shoot lasers at police officers.
• One may not “dare” another to go onto railroad tracks owned by another.
• It is illegal to steal a “movable” even if it classified as an “immovable”.
• Rituals that involve the ingestion of blood, urine, or fecal matter are not allowed.
• One could land in jail for up to a year for making a false promise.
• Every time a person is seriously burned, he must report the injury to the fire marshal.
• Prisoners who hurt themselves could serve an additional two years in jail.

Full text of the Law

RS 14:404

Self-mutilation by a prisoner

A. Self-mutilation by a prisoner is the intentional infliction of injuries to himself by a prisoner incarcerated in any state penitentiary or any local penal or correctional institution or while in the lawful custody of a peace officer, or the procuring or permitting of another person to inflict injury on such prisoner by means of shooting, stabbing, cutting, applying chemicals or other substances to the body, drinking or eating poisonous or toxic substances, or in any manner, when such results in permanent or temporary injury.

B. Whoever commits the crime of self-mutilation by a prisoner shall be imprisoned at hard labor for a term not exceeding two years. Any sentence imposed under this Section shall run consecutively to any other sentence being served by the offender at the time of the offense.

Added by Acts 1966, No. 85, 1. Amended by Acts 1977, No. 456, 1; Acts 1997, No. 179, 1.

Sheriff: know any stupid laws that I missed from your state? Let me know – expose stupidity for what it is – STUPID!

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Daily Stupid Joke – October 2, 2009

Sheriff: Happy Friday – really, TGIF not S.H.I.T.  – Getting closer to halloween – dont forget to stop by stupid discounts to find the best discounts on everything you need, including costumes and more for your trick-or-treat or halloween party.

Today Stupid Patrol hopes to give you with a few short “And then the fight started” jokes – or stories as they are. Some I am not too clear on as far as why it would start a fight (A toothbrush would work!) but my wife didn’t seem to think it was funny. Jeez I might be smart – but sometimes I just can’t figure women out. Aaaaanyway….here’s hoping you get a good laugh out of it, and remember, don’t forget to remend your friends, enemies, families – everybody visit the Stupid Patrol daily.

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’

I said, ‘Dust.’

And then the fight started…

**************

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.’

I bought her new bath scales.

And then the fight started…

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive….

so, I took her to a gas station…

And then the fight started….

**************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady, swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’

‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend.. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’

‘My God!’ says my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And then the fight started…

**************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn’t believe it… he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, ‘I AM NOT HAPPY!’

So, I looked down at him and said, ‘Well, then which one are you?’

And then the fight started…

**************

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the truck, the car, playing golf

Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, ‘When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.’

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

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Daily Stupid Joke – October 1, 2009

Sheriff: Hellllllo and Happy October! Today we discover the great joke “Sisters of Mercy” here’s hoping you get a good laugh out of it, yep stupid joke as always! Don’t forget to remend your friends, enemies, families – everybody visit the Stupid Patrol daily!

Sisters of Mercy

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION – 10 MILES.

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon, he sees another sign which says:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION – 5 MILES

He realizes that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: SISTERS OF MERCY

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you, my son?”

He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business.”

“Very well, my son. Please follow me.”

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.” He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs, “Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway.”

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun’s cup.

He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.

As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.

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MEDFORD, Mass. – Officials with a Massachusetts university said complaints led to a new policy banning students from having sex while their roommates are present.

Tufts University spokeswoman Kim Thurler said officials added the rule to the 2009-10 guest policy after receiving about a dozen complaints from students “who expressed concerns that they were experiencing uncomfortable situations with their roommates’ sex-tracurricular activities,” The Boston Herald reported Tuesday. “We really didn’t have anything concrete in place for (them) to set clear boundaries,” she said.

The policy informs students in dormitories that they “may not engage in sexual activity while your roommate is
present in the room.” Thurler said the policy does not state any penalties for a violation, but she said officials hope the rule will “empower” students to “bring that issue up” if they have a problem with their roommate’s sexual activities.

Sheriff: What the heck is this world coming to! JEEEEZ roomie – leave the room, put a pillow over your head, or maybe get inspired! On second thought – hmmm the sheriff has only daughters! This WILL be their college!

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LAKEHURST, NJ — A man who spooked his friend by pulling out his own teeth with a pair of pliers was arrested Sunday after he allegedly broke several items in her apartment when she called police.

Darrel Vandervort, 49, was charged with criminal mischief and resisting arrest after officers responded to the Pine Street apartment of a female friend of his, Sgt. Ronald Heinzman said.

Vandervort allegedly sprayed blood inside the apartment while removing his own teeth, Heinzman said, and the woman – whose name was not released – called police. Officer Jeffery Emmons charged Vandervort, of Lakehurst, after he allegedly broke multiple items inside the apartment, Heinzman said.

He was lodged at Ocean County Jail in lieu of $2,500 bail with no 10 percent payment option. Sgt. Gary Lowe assisted Emmons in making the arrest.

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Japanese speed-eating legend Takeru Kobayashi defeated his arch-rival and reigning champ Joey Chestnut to reclaim the world hamburger eating title today at the Krystal Square Off World Hamburger Eating Championship in Chattanooga, Tenn. The 31-year-old from Japan earned a score of 93 Krystal hamburgers in eight minutes, setting a world record under a new no-dunking rule established by The Krystal Company. Chestnut, of San Jose, Calif., finished second with 81.

Kobayashi champion again. Dethrones Joey Chestnut for Burger Eating Champion!

Kobayashi’s victory over Chestnut today before a live televised audience and a crowd of more than 10,000 puts him back on top of the sport he brought into the American mainstream more than eight years ago, only to see his star fall the past three years following several high-profile losses, including a loss to Chestnut at last year’s championship in Chattanooga.

“We knew today’s Krystal Square Off championship was going to be a battle for the ages with Kobayashi hoping to reclaim his glory and Chestnut defending his two-year reign as champ, and both eaters did not disappoint,” said Brad Wahl, vice president of marketing, The Krystal Company. “Kobayashi’s commanding win over Chestnut proved once again why he is the sport’s biggest star.”

“Kobayashi came into Chattanooga needing a win. He got it and then some,” said Richard Shea, president of Major League Eating, the governing body of all stomach-centric sports. “The 12 Krystal margin revives his rivalry with Joey Chestnut and caps what was a great Krystal Square Off season. At the end, Kobayashi seemed to hit his head on the ceiling of his own self worth; lucky for him the faux hawk provided cushion.”

Presented by The Krystal Company, the Krystal Square Off is the only world hamburger eating championship sanctioned by Major League Eating.

Kobayashi has now won the Krystal Square Off four of its six years. He pockets $20,000 for the victory, along with the coveted Krystal Square Off Champion’s Belt and Trophy made out of crystal. Chestnut earns $10,00 for his second place finish. Patrick Bertoletti, who finished third with 76, takes away $5,000. The remaining finalists receive payouts ranging from $3,000 to $500. The $50,000 total cash purse is the largest in competitive eating.

The Krystal Square Off introduced new rules this year that forced competitors to change their strategies. First, eaters were no longer allowed to dunk their hamburgers in liquid in an effort to eliminate “detritus” during the competition. Also new this year, every eater was given five Big Angus Burgers at the start of the competition in addition to their tray of Krystal hamburgers. Each Big Angus Burger consumed added five hamburgers to an eater’s total count.

The official results are as follows:

• Takeru Kobayashi, Tokyo, Japan – 93 (68 Krystals, 5 Big Angus Burgers*)
• Joey “Jaws” Chestnut, San Jose, Calif. – 81 (56 Krystals, 5 Big Angus Burgers)
• Pat “Deep Dish” Bertoletti, Chicago, Ill. – 76 (51 Krystals, 5 Big Angus Burgers)
• “Humble” Bob Shoudt, Philadelphia, Pa. – 71 (46 Krystals, 5 Big Angus Burgers)
• Sonya “The Black Widow” Thomas, Alexandria, Va. – 65 (40 Krystals, 5 Big Angus Burgers)
• Hall “Hoover” Hunt, Jacksonville, Fla. – 60 (35 Krystals, 5 Big Angus Burgers)
• Tim “Eater X” Janus, New York, N.Y. – 59 (34 Krystals, 5 Big Angus Burgers)
• Erik “The Red” Denmark, Seattle, Wash. – 58 (33 Krystals, 5 Big Angus Burgers)
• Tim “Gravy” Brown, Chicago, Ill. – 52 (27 Krystals, 5 Big Angus Burgers)
• Jim “Buffalo” Reeves – 50 (25 Krystals, 5 Big Angus Burgers)
• Eric “Badlands” Booker, Long Island, N.Y. – 47 (22 Krystals, 5 Big Angus Burgers)
• Tyler Allen, Chattanooga, TN – 8 (8 Krystals, 0 Big Angus Burgers)

* Each Big Angus Burger equals five Krystal hamburgers

Krystal has been hosting eating contests ever since it first opened its doors in 1932. Indeed, Krystal’s second customer, Roy Ward, claimed he could eat twice as many Krystals as French Jenkins, the chain’s first customer. He did just that by eating 12 Krystals, and according to legend invented the famous Krystal Sackful in the process. The years have passed, but Krystal Lovers have never stopped challenging each other to Krystal Eating Contests. This longstanding tradition became official in 2004 with the first Krystal Square Off World Hamburger Eating Championship.

Story from: Krystal Sqare-off Official Website

Sheriff: Kobayashi is a God in the competitive eating world! Still, nobody can understand how that little skinny dude can do it. Freak of nature!! Also to knock down that many “fake Belly bombs” – I would not want to be anywhere near for the next few days! See our story here on Stupid Patrol on the Burrito Eating champ – who finished 4th in this competition.

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Daily Stupid Joke – September 29, 2009

Sheriff: Happy Tuesday! This factory joke is definitely stupid enough to make you laugh….and maybe make you wonder a little bit about Business!

The Latex Factory

A new shift manager was being shown around the Latex factor where he was just hired. The plant manufactures various latex products, and has a reputation for using cutting edge technology in their manufacturing process.

On one side of the building, the factory makes baby bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud “hiss-pop” noise, and the shift manager asks his tour guide what it’s doing. “As the rubber is being injected into the mold, it makes a hiss noise.” he says “The popping sound is from needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.”

On the other side of the building, the two men look at the condom making machine. This machine makes a “hiss.. hiss… hiss-pop” sound during the manufacturing process. “Wait a second,” the future shift manager says, “I know what the hiss, hiss is… but what’s with the ‘pop’ noise every once in a while?”

“Oh, that hehe. It’s the same as the baby bottle nipple process.” says the guide… “It pokes a hole in every third condom.”

“But that can’t be good for the condoms!” the observant shift manager replied.

“Nah, but it’s really good for the baby bottle nipple business!”

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Daily Stupid Joke – September 26, 2009

Baked Beans

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself  “She’ll never go for me blowing those like that,” so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he farted. He ‘putted’ down one hill and ‘putt-putted’ up the next. By the time he arrived home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, ‘Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight!’ She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but *ripe* as a rotten egg.

He had a hard time breathing, so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and ‘rrriiiipppp!’ It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes, farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the ‘phone farewells’ (indicating the end of his loneliness and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled, ‘Surprise!’

To his shock and horror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

Submit your stupid jokes! We love reading them, publishing them, and lauging at the stupidity behind them. And we always give credit where credit is due – submit your joke with your link (within reason – no SPAM!) and we will publish the joke and link.

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